Images via Tumblr, probably.
Well, it's been an interesting week, and I suppose it's time to update you on it. I'm gonna keep it short because I'm in need of rest and am also currently a bit addicted to Supernatural, which I'm rewatching with Becca (her first time).
So this is a bit of downer, but it is indeed a life update time. In fact, now that I'm already doing it, I'm going to do this post via Supernatural gifs because I don't like to think about what's happening too much and I do like to think about Supernatural so maybe this way I can stay in a good mood. So here we go.
For most of the semester, I've been having a rough time with the fibro, primarily, I think, because I overbooked myself this semester.
I've got a full course load (as a senior, too), a part-time job, and I'm doing orchestra for the first time in a while. So it's more than usual for me, and then winter is coming on. Idaho winter.
As the time has passed, I've been struggling, a lot. The colder and more wintery it gets, the worse my fibro gets, and with the workload I'm at, I've just been feeling, all the time, like I'm out of control, can't keep up with anything, etc.
Not to mention, of course, the pain and tiredness and misery. Every minute of the day I've been wanting a nap, thinking about naps, nap nap nap nap naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap
And I haven't been able to enjoy myself at all. Which isn't okay. So for the past month I've been trying to cut down on stuff.
I've worked out rules with my roommates, I worked out an easier assignment schedule with my orchestra teacher, I've changed my wardrobe a bit, I've limited my work hours and made some changes with the help of my boss, etc. But I've still just felt worse and worse.
It got to the point, the past couple of weeks, where I wasn't showering enough, I couldn't go shopping for food, the kitty litter was nassssssty, I was taking naps during all of my free time, I was late to classes, missing church, doing all my assignments last minute and taking a bit of a grade loss for it, etc., etc. It was just awful.
So finally on Monday, I was talking to my mom, and it hit me that really, now, I was at the point where I needed to do what I'd been trying to avoid this whole time, and quit orchestra. There was no real way around it. All of these small things couldn't be enough to make up for the energy deficet I've been running. Fortuitously, I made that decision on the last day for us to drop classes.
But then the website was down all night.
The next day, though, they extended the deadline, so I dropped orchestra, crying a lot the whole time. This is, again, one of the last things I wanted to do. I've come so far with my anxiety to be able to do cello again, and now I discover I'm physically not in a place to do it. Dealing with all of that also set my OCD off a bit and I just felt like an awful person for doing this.
But this is the fact of my life. I have to do what I can to be happy and healthy, and for me that unfortunately means a lot of limits. I also dropped NaNoWriMo, as you saw, in the hopes that it would help me catch up faster. And I've been doing better since then, by a good bit. It was the right decision to make, even if it did break my heart a little.
Hopefully someday I'll be able to return to cello again, for real this time. Right now, though, this is my reality. Because winter sucks, and so does fibromyalgia. Ces la vie. I do my best.
Thanks for reading, guys, and I'll see you on Tuesday. I <3 Supernatural!
Images via Tumblr, probably.
I'm an unpublished novelist, primarily of YA fantasy, on medical leave from my Master's program. I love music, psychology, cats, social justice, and love! I'm a huge fangirl. Basically, stories are my life.
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