As I discussed last week, when I hit my "new norm" for life as a chronically ill person, I became quite unhappy. This unhappiness continued, at a significant and disruptive level, for a number of weeks. As I was working through things on my own, I realized that a lot of the problem was that I wasn't just unhappy with my present; I was also unhappy with the future I was facing.
When I decided to apply for online graduate school, to get my Master's in Library and Information Science, my thought was that jobs as a librarian would be easier to find than jobs as an editor, which had been my original plan for a day job. I also thought that librarianship would be a more stable field overall. I thought it would be disabled-friendly. (I also liked the thought of working with teens, since YA is really my passion.)
Though I was already very sick, I hadn't yet come to the point of comprehension. I didn't yet understand that my level of illness meant I was very disabled now. I didn't yet understand that I now had multiple incurable conditions. I didn't know that my level of disability might not be something I could fix. That point of comprehension hit pretty quickly, however. And once I was well enough to continue my Master's degree again, I started thinking that it might not be worth it.
It was a fleeting thought at first. I worried about the high cost of the classes and the amount of energy I had to expend on them. I worried that, because of my level of disability, I would never be able to do the job I was spending all this time and money on. And, to be honest, though I'd discovered that I have a decent handful of skills that are library-friendly, I wasn't enjoying my classes very much. (Though, since they were beginning-level classes, I figured that didn't mean a whole lot.) But since my health was improving, I held to the possibility that I could still get well enough for librarianship. My mom also encouraged me by pointing out that education in and of itself is valuable, even if it doesn't end up applying to a job.