Pending final grades, I am now a graduate of BYU-Idaho with a Bachelor's in English! Yay! I'll post pics once I get my actual diploma in the mail. I'm back home today, adjusting to that shift and recovering from the trip. Also from those last couple of weeks, because that was stressful stuff.
So today, I thought I'd go for a lighter, more humorous post. All y'all might remember that last semester, I had a class with Brother Merrill, the English department head at BYU-I.
At the end of the semester, I posted a compilation of all the hilarious things Brother Merrill said in class--there were a lot. He's a fantastic professor, really easy to get along with, but also totally random and funny and disorganized.
This semester, I was fortunate enough to have a class with him again, this time my senior capstone (for which I had to write that senior thesis I've been stressing out over the past couple of weeks). Just like before, he gave us some great gems that I wrote down in my journal. Now I get to share them all with you!
STUFF BROTHER MERRILL SAYS: PART 2
"I hope you've all thought by now about how critical thinking will help you at a Carl's Jr."
*waxes poetic about math*
"Were Jesus not a storyteller and a master teacher, I think this school would've cut the English degree long ago."
"I almost wasn't hired because I'm too sexy. No, not really. But I do have a chile pepper on my Rate My Professor page." *swings hips about*
"We are stupid at this school."
"I'll just wander around out here and take what falls from your backpacks. Kick 'em as I go by. Oh look, money!"
"I have never been come onto by a student. I'm a little offended by that."
"If you have a pregnant mind, you're ready to squish out a slimy, gooey bulk of squalling thought."
"Your papers are like headmen's axes. Even if they are sharp enough to take off a man's head, they could still be sharper. No, that's a terrible metaphor."
"To just barf something into the ether and expect someone to respond, it's fishing. I'm not a fish."
"If you get to the end of a paragraph, and it's like the writer stuck a pen through the beak of the waterbird and then there was an earthquake--it's nonsensical! Then you say, 'This paragraph was like shoving shredded bamboo down my gullet.'"
"Remember, it's not 'Works S-I-G-H-T-E-D.' A work! Thar she blows! No."
"What do you mean you're not walking at graduation? I have to give you your graduation high five!"
Regarding Pop Culture
"Jar-Jar Binks, the most racist character ever since the Civil Rights Movement. That alone is a good reason to punch George Lucas in the face."
"Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar? It's telling, isn't it, that it was for a film where he barely speaks."
"I guess 'terrible' and 'Nicholas Cage movie' is a redundancy."
"Leonardo DiCaprio does a favor to men, because as long as he's alive, we know there's someone we can beat up. Just push him to the ground--'What you gonna do about it?' Kick some dirt over him. Beat him with the Oscar he didn't deserve, that he got for being a mute corpse."
"My kids say that I'm like Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy."
"If a movie camera could puke and that puke could be shaped into an actor, it would be Leo DiCaprio."
"Um, I'm talking about Sister Twilight. Stephenie Meyer!"
"Les Miserables? Russell Crow singing means that describes the audience."
"None of you has seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Troglodytes!" *plays a clip of the movie from YouTube*
"How many problems does God solve in a day? It's the most important part of His life, besides having restraint." *giggles*
"Most of us cling to that word 'strive' like a rat clings to the stay of a sinking ship."
"Those Mormons, they're up to something."
"Yesterday, Fast and Testimony Meeting. Or as I like to call it, 'Open Mike Sunday.' You have a herd of six-year-olds gallumping up the stairs--" *does a lengthy imitation that has the class unable to breathe from laughter*
"If you're nauseated, that's a sign of the Spirit. Just kidding. But I have seen many people barf at their weddings."
"Good thing this is an ordinance, because I can now invoke the powers of heaven to keep me from getting botulism from this piece of bread."
"That pesky Savior, with his morals and compassion."
"Fighting against the Almighty, if not unrighteous, is galactically stupid."
"This is the reason men get married in the Church, so they can avoid all the competition. No, I'm kidding. The real reason is the tax break."
"I almost want to call Abinadi a blowtorch of faith, but that seems inappropriate, given the circumstances."
"If I bring a million swords with atomic bombs and rabid badgers strapped to each of them, in a fight with the Almighty, who would win? The Almighty."
"Claudius is, really, a dick."
*screams a line of love poetry*
"Don't let that mamby-pamby Paris get the better of you."
"It's never just about apples."
"Starts with 'h' and rhymes with 'bloominism.' HUMANISM."
"I don't like that poem, so I forgot it."
"Authors are big fat liars, class."
"In basis, he's saying, 'That mosquito gives us license to frolic!'"
"Ol' Bobby Frost. Bob Frost. That sounds like that painter guy, Bob Ross."
"Some children's books are disturbing. Like Hop on Pop. I've had that happen, and it's just wrong."
"If it ever gets to the point where Walmart runs the country, we have to say Marx was a god."
"The problem is not that the Brits are going to lapse into wearing capri pants and thus become undone."
"Victorianism was the darkest age of Britain--but without it we wouldn't have Christmas trees! Cornflakes, by the way, also invented during this time."
*in reference to a picture of Britain's royal crown* "And that's somebody's hat."
"I think the only way to drive in Edinburgh is drunk."
"When you see that smile from a woman, you know it's time to stop dinking around. Why? Because it's all polite from the nose down, but the eyes--nuclear missiles." *imitates a death rattle*
"I hate it when these people who possibly aren't firing on all six hygiene cylinders try to touch my children."
"You guys are tender plants from my perspective. Cool plants, but you're awfully young. No, I mean, delightfully young."
Regarding His Own Life
"I'm smiling so stupidly I can't see."
"I'm just going to sit here and anxiously stew, and make these kinds of noises: mmm. Mmm. Hmm."
"This is my youngest daughter. She's the little caboose. She's great, but I can't say that in front of her. She already has an ego the size of Alaska."
"My mom said 'kee kee' for poop and 'tee tee' for pee, and my brother thought he had a tail that 'tee tee' came out of. That must have been very confusing."
"I'm still kind of oozing emotional pus."
"This is me doing what I rarely do and advocating following the rules."
Regarding Other Stuff
"You, as a plant, are substandard!"
"We're in a--one of these." "Square?" "Yes, that."
"Oh, you vicious maggot."
"Drink a punch bowl of wine a day! Glug glug glug."
"It's Benadryl Wednesday!"
"Just a second, I got out the blueberry marker. Mmm. Here, want a hit? I love blueberry."
And finally, what is definitely Brother Merrill's catchphrase: "Why are we talking about this?"
Seriously, guys, I love Brother Merrill. If any of you are attending BYU-Idaho and get the chance, absolutely take a class with him. Then send me a list of all the funny things he says. :) :)
I'll see you all on Wednesday! (nope, sorry)
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